Well, well hello world.
Here's a little contribution today.
Don't read this, you might be scared, and it's unhealthy anyway.
I'm writing this blog note because I don't feel good. I'm feeling angry. Angry at the entire world. Sorry for you, you and you but today you're not my buddy and I'm not here to make anyone smile. Yes I know it's painful to say. I mean it's literally painful. Like I'm in so much pain I'm being very irritable. I hate the sound of the rain against the metallic part of the roof, I hate that one of our neighbours is playing guitar for hours so badly I wanna hit him in the face, I hate that my room is so dark I'm being tragic, too melodramatic. I hate that I hate everyone and myself too. Last week someone told me, -- well he was a doctor, so I guess he was right --, that it was great that I had no cancer. Guess what? That's awesome. Because honestly I'm 23 and I don't expect to have cancer, like when I was 13 years old I didn't want to be diagnosed with any auto immune disease or any orphan disease. Life is a disaster because we all die but I just want to have a normal life. The truth is I can't have one.
Yesterday I was having a blood test and the nurse said to me "Pain, you must be used to it!". I laughed at her. I responded I was not used to pain. I will never be. I did not smash her face but I should've even if what she said sounded kind of nice to her. I don't want people to be nice or pity me. And I don't know why exactly I'm writing this blog post today but... yes I take many pills for many different stuff that are not correctly working in my body. And that's embarrassing.
Sometimes people seem to think I'll just get with it, get through it. "Life is not just one moment. There are many moments to come." They say. But I can't even make up my mind if I want just one great moment without pain or several short ones through the course of my life. I'm young, let's live like we're young. I'm fed up with those words. I'm young ? Yeah thank you! In my mind I'm 93. Stop there and go to hell.
Because "everyday" for me doesn't mean like everyday. It's a constant battle I'm trying to live. I'm having my own little victories each day: like I'm proud I woke up this morning, I didn't get dressed but I managed to read some of my homework and eat cereals. Because morning for me means I have to get out of bed and put one foot on the cold floor and say "Ouch, that hurts". But me being sick is also a long list of small stuff that would not count as serious for you. For instance, I can't hold the phone for more than 2 minutes without feeling a huge pain in my hand, I can't even open my bottle of syrup because my hands are shaking with pain, I can't cut meat (well what's good is that I am a vegetarian since 2011), I can walk a lot and then not move for an entire day after, I can clean a room but just after I won't be able to do anything more, I can't draw for a long time like I can't read a big book because of the pain in my hands, I can't sort out the mess around me because I'm too tired, I hate shopping because I can't be standing for too long, sometimes I just sleep the whole day and I feel sorry about it and I just cry. I have anxiety disorder and I can't sleep well. I can't sit for a long time because my back aches and my legs too. I can't play video games because holly sh*t this Xbox joystick is too hard for me, I cannot cook pasta in a big pan because I'll make it fall on the floor as soon as I try to carry it to the table. I can't be myself in those moments. I will not be myself tomorrow because I have an exam to pass and after 3 hours of writing blah blah on some mysterious disease we call hysteria or some old fashioned doctors such as Hippocrates, well I may not be able to move by myself. I will need help. And then, I will shed a tear, rest alone in my room, and think about my miserable future. Although I know I should not be miserable because I have friends, family, studies, etc.
Stop telling me what is easier to do in life because you don't know. Stop saying "As Usual". What's that ? If you get a routine out of everything in your life then it must be so damn boring ! I don't want to be in a routine and I will never be.
But when it comes to sunny days, those when I forget I'm sick, those when I know I've got no reason to worry because they'll eventually find a new medecine for me, for us, those days when I know I'm with the good people, those days when I know I'm gonna smile and rest on a friendly shoulder, those days when I know it's ok not to be normal, those days when I don't have to expect something nice from life but I'll just be grateful at the end of the day, those days when I go to sleep and there is just a tear of joy at the corner of my eyes, those days when I know I'm human and that's all.
So I'll just say : ... nothing.